November 5, (c) Roy Ters. In a stunning move, today Federal Reserve Bank chairman Ben Bernanke announced targeted assassinations in an attempt to revive the moribund US economy. The plan, called the Criticism Removal and Amelioration Program, will start with bloggers and other critics of the Fed, and then spread to citizens chosen at random.
The chairman of the Federal Reserve announced the move over growing global disapproval of the recently announced second Quantitative Easing program, QE2, claiming the new program to selectively assassinate up to half of the American Citizens would stimulate the economy. "People will need to spend money for bulletproof body armor, and evasive technologies", said Bernanke. "I know this sounds like the 'Broken Windows Fallacy' but this time it will work. People will have to bury their dead. Estate tax income to the treasury will soar. There's a host of economic activity that will come from this".
Support was, predictably, split along party lines. Senator Harry Reid (D) praised the program as "the right move at the right time", while Senator Chuck Schumer (D) called it, "another brilliant example of the way Dr. Bernanke thinks outside the usual box".
Newly elected senator Rand Paul (R) of Kentucky said, "The chairman is always trying failed programs and saying 'this time it will work'. Let's assume for a minute that this works. Then what? Once they've killed off half the population, the remaining half won't be large enough to keep spending even at pre-CRAP levels!"
Chairman Bernanke was unavailable for comment.
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